An Aussie Open commentator said when you are up against Maria Sharapova, you want to get on top of her quick and stay there. My wife says I should leave that one alone.


TIPS WHEN AGAINST MARIA SHARAPOVA?

What kind of name is Mitt Romney anyway? Mitt. Maybe they should call him glovernor.

Reports say Dirk Nowitzki has been out of the Mavericks' lineup. He's been slowed by a balky knee and a bulky wallet.

Eli Manning set an NFL single-season record for most fourth-quarter touchdown passes. "For which quarter?" asked LeBron James.


ELI MANNING: SINGLE SEASON RECORD

A 71-year-old Philadelphia man with two hearts survived a double cardiac arrest. It could have been worse. At least it didn't happen during a game of charades.

Rooney Mara of 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' said one of the role's challenges was getting her nipple pierced. On the bright side, she's a lock for breast actress.

 ACTRESS ROONEY MARA

Did I hear a TSN talking head call Toronto meeting the Sharks in the Stanley Cup a slight possibility? I'd call it the miracle of the Leafs and fishes.

Associated Press reports a New Zealand lobby group wants sheep shearing to be an Olympic demonstration sport. Sounds like they'd be the team to bleat.

According to a new study, intelligent women are more likely to fake it in bed. Given a choice, men prefer to think their wives are stupid.

Dennis Rodman says he will coach a women's basketball team made up of New York strippers. I'm thinking they'll dominate in the low post.

The porn industry is threatening to leave Hollywood over the threat of fines if male performers don't wear protection. This seems like an over-reaction to a cover charge.

A Binghamton University study says budgies are given to contagious yawning when in groups. Previously, this was only seen among primates in Africa and fans at Cubs games.

North Carolina authorities are accusing an inmate of smuggling a 10-inch gun into prison hidden in his rectum. This seems like a bum rap.

A UND hockey player sucker punched a Minnesota Gopher in the handshake line. Gainer hasn't been this upset since they invented Troy Westwood.


SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS MASCOT GAINER THE GOPHER

An ESPN reporter suggested Terrell Owens could name his salary in the Canadian Football League. Sure. Just avoid paltry or inadequate; they're taken.

A woman in Scotland is keeping a horse in her house because no stables would keep it during the winter. She must believe a pony saved is a pony earned.

Paris Hilton says she is releasing a new recording with LMFAO. Now there's a match made in heaven.


PARIS HILTON

A Chicago man was arrested last Tuesday for surfing along the shores of Lake Michigan in January. In a related NBA story, Milwaukee and Detroit appear to be in over their heads.

The Texas Rangers signed Japanese ace Yu Darvish to a lucrative six-year contract. When it's his day to pitch, will that be a Yu-turn?


YU DARVISH HAS JOINED THE TEXAS ROTATION

Orange News reports a new South Africa law proposes meteorologists get jail time for each wrong weather warning. Wow. In Canada, we'd have to lock them up for life.